How to help kids cope with loss..

Children are usually very bonded with their pets and explaining death without causing fear is difficult. It is made more difficult when the whole family is struggling with emotions of grief and sometimes even guilt. Hopefully some of the resources in this article will help.

A pet can be many things to children especially as they grow older and have new life experiences. Pets often start out as entertainment when children are young, but then move to becoming a best friend and confidant. They give kids unconditional love, make them feel safe, and are master secret keepers. Sometimes children assign even more emotions onto the pet if there was a divorce or death in the family. Children with special needs, whether it be physical or emotional, also have a unique bond with their pets.

When explaining euthanasia to children it is sometimes very tempting to not be honest or to use euphemisms in place of clear terminology. For example using the words "put to sleep" may inspire fear especially in younger children. Children take words very literally and may end up being scared to go to bed at night or take a nap fearing that they may go away forever. Saying things like their pet ran away or that they were rehomed also leaves children with many unresolved issues. They may feel resentment towards their parents and also not have closure thinking there is a chance that their pet may come back to them. Depending on the family's religious beliefs incorporating religion can help bring children comfort, however saying things like "God chose Lucky to be his special angel" may cause children to harbor anger and fear towards God. Likewise it is easy to want to shift the blame to the veterinarian, however this can cause distrust of not only vets, but of the entire medical community. While explaining to your child that their pet is not coming back sounds cruel it helps to bring about closure. Also letting your child know that that while the decision to euthanize was a sad and difficult choice to make, it was done in the best interest of the pet to prevent suffering. Your child may have many questions so make sure to pick a time that will allow you to be fully focused on them. Depending on the age allowing children to be involved in some type of the process is helpful whether that be pre planning of the euthanasia (such as choosing the place, blankets, treats), the actual euthanasia process, or the post euthanasia process (funeral, memorial). Younger children can draw or color pictures for their pet while older children can write letters to them. You know your child best in regards to being present for the actual euthanasia, however I find that it is important to find out whether the child actually wishes to be present. I will always allow a child to be present, regardless of age, unless it is causing the pet to be anxious. In that case removing the child initially and then bringing them back once the pet is sedated is the best course of action. If a child does not want to be present during the euthanasia, they still may want to say goodbye before sedation, after sedation, or after the euthanasia is completed. Children may initially chose to be present but then change their minds which is completely understandable. It is important that children know that things like muscle movement, changes in breathing, and loss of bowels and bladder can happen. While most euthanasias go smoothly there will occasionally be one that does not. Assuring children that once the pet is asleep they are blissfully unaware of what is happening to their bodies and are not hurting, is extremely important. Regardless I try to conceal needles and other scary things to the best of my ability. After euthanasia do not be surprised if your child has more questions or asks again and again what happened. Young children learn through repetition and patiently explaining the situation again can help children understand better. In addition, talking about your own feelings instead of hiding them, helps children understand their feelings better and that it is ok to feel sadness, guilt, or even anger. If your child is exhibiting significant signs of grief or anger you may need to seek out a therapist that deals with loss (some recommendations are listed under the Resource tab). Below is also a list of books and resources that specifically discuss children and pet loss.

Until We Meet Again: From Grief to Hope After Losing a Pet-Melissa Lyons

When a Pet Dies-Fred Rogers

Saying Goodbye to Lulu-Corrine Demas

Jasper's Day-Marjorie Blain Parker

My Pet Died:A Coloring Book for Grieving Children-Dr. Alan Wolfeit

An Age-by-Age Guide to Explaining the Death of a Pet to Children: Deborah Cruz (www.familyeducation.com)

Grief Resources for Children and Pets: www.lapoflove.com